Being a Jerk and the Not So Great Day

I feel like crap. Sometimes as a parent you act a certain way that makes you really feel like a big dick. I admit that I'm not the most patient person and can play little guilt trip games with my kids, and it really makes them feel badly. I try my best and work hard at it, but when you spend all day with somebody, the worst parts of you are bound to show up.

I got mad at Audrey yesterday on the heels of a crappy day, and it wasn't her fault and I shouldn't have taken it out on her and I'm a real asshole for doing it. I feel terrible. We went to a special homeschool phys ed day at this posh gym nearby. It was an experience in and of itself, and I won't get too into it now, but it turned out to be a bad day. We had gone into it with certain expectations, and were sorely disappointed, so much so that I ended up making an ass of myself to my kids.

The problem was rooted in the fact that the program was geared towards older kids, but we figured it was a gym, they had a complete facility where Nicholas and I could pass the time while Audrey played with kids her own age, but that wasn't in the stars, and Nicholas and I ended up sitting there twiddling our thumbs, watching. My temper boiled over when Audrey went into the locker and took a shower, a perfectly reasonable thing, but we were waiting and Nicholas was upset and I just lost my patience.

I didn't yell at Audrey, but I let her know I wasn't happy, and sometimes that's even worse. It really affected her, and I feel like shit. If there's a silver lining to this, it's that it really highlights my need to get a grip and stop losing my cool so often. I usually lose my temper for the smallest, most trivial things, and I usually express it by either blowing my stack and playing little games, which is even worse. Our kids are sensitive, too.

Either way, there's no excuse. I love our kids, they are the greatest, and I feel blessed and lucky to have such wonderful children. Being an ass is a sign of taking such a gift for granted, and I don't want to ever be that way.

How do I control my ways? I really need to take a step back and stop stressing about things, because I do tend to lose it all the time. What's the big deal?

I will say this, I have zero desire to return to that club. It really sucked, way too stiff and uptight, but very much in line with the Hanover crowd. Money, money, money. I'll write more about it in another post.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Shame on Me with the Maple Syrup

Yesterday we did one of my favorite Sunday morning rituals and made sausage and waffles (or sometimes French Toast) for breakfast. I love those moments when we're sitting around the table together, chowing down on waffles with real maple syrup, the frost on the windows reminding us of how cold it is outside while our wood stove helps us forget.

Well, if you know anything about maple syrup, and for the record, I know very little, you can't help but notice that the stuff is expensive. Really expensive, and though we use a lot less than we used to, when you live in Vermont, using anything other than the real thing is anathema and simply not acceptable. So we bite the bullet and buy the real McCoy. We keep some in a separate jar because the half gallon jug is way too cumbersome.

That is not to say that the jar doesn't get heavy, as well. While we were eating, I kept getting anxious while I watched Audrey and Nicholas trying to work with the heavy jar with their tiny, delicate hands, convincing myself that they were going to spill the precious liquid.

Well, as you might have guessed, it turns out it was ME who spilled the darn bottle. I was reaching across the table (poor manners, BTW) and I tried to lift the jar and it slipped out of my hand, spilling about 90% of it's contents. I was so bummed, but I was more ashamed at targeting the kids for something that I was just as capable of doing. Shame on me.

What a bummer, losing all that syrup. I stared at it dripping off the table was half tempted to still eat it, but we sopped it up and rinsed it down the drain. Oh well, such is life. BTW, our syrup is made by Marty's brother, who I learned is the sugar person of the year, whatever that means.

I managed to get some of the writing stuff that was bugging me done, and man do I feel invincible. I finished the darn letter to Dee, toning it down significantly. As I may have mentioned, I felt it inappropriate and unnecessary to rail on him, even though he's a total prick. Let it lie and move on, as they say. Either way, it felt good to connect with Dee, and I hope we can maintain some contact.




I know, the doll looks a little scary, but in real life he's really cute. Besides, he's supposed to look afraid and worried.

Also, I got the book review done. That was bugging me because that's more on the serious end. I got a few books from PS, Lynn asked if I was interested in reviewing them, and it went pretty well. Audrey and Nicholas liked the books, they're called Emotes. They came with a stuffed doll, always a bonus, and Audrey liked the stories. I have to confess, I didn't like them at first glance, being the traditionalist that I am, but after reading the stories, I found they had nice messages and the art work is pretty hip and contemporary. Most importantly, the kids liked them, and that's all that matters. AND, Lynn liked the review.

I also did my first blog entry for Trazzler, so I'm on my way to being a travel writer. My next two big things are finishing my piece for Away, and writing my piece for the WAHM Jan issue. That's the tough one. Did I mention Erika of WAHM finally got back to me and said she loved my writing?

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Holidays Approach, the Cold, and Cat Disasters

Not to venture into the wonderful world of cliches, but I can't believe the holidays are upon us. We have to start planning for Thanksgiving, and then comes the Christmas tree followed by all that other good stuff. It's pretty amazing that we're on the cusp of another new year.

As I mentioned, Gary has reclaimed his cars, so we are once again with just one car... sort of. The thing is, Gary, our hero, actually left his chase truck here, and said we were welcome to use it if we needed it. It's a massive vehicle, a 3/4 ton mammoth, but it's cool, and it drives, and he did say... I don't want to take advantage, but man is it nice having another car. And with the holidays, we have a lot of activities that we need to get to. We really need to get another car. I thought about it last night, and another car would really make life easier, but it's the sort of thing that if I bitched about it and then we got one, I'd feel guilty as hell about the expense. So I keep my mouth shut.

I got some of my Christmas cards together, but I'm only about 95% of the way there. Still need to make up the difference, but I'll see where that one goes. I like writing cards, and even toyed with the idea of starting now and just sending them out in December, but I'll wait. The problem I run into is that I burn out as I near the end, and writing them becomes a chore. Such is life.

And then, of course, is the issue of getting a tree. Then again, we do have a truck.

It's been amazing cold out here, colder than I recall, and we are nice and toasty in our house with the wood stove burning constantly. Waking up is the brutal part, because our bedroom gets the coldest since it's the farthest from the stove. Fortunately, Audrey and Nicholas' room is the warmest, and I'm glad for that.

We had a cat disaster yesterday, kind of weird. Misty got stuck in the bathroom, she must have sneaked in and I missed her and closed the door, because when we went in later, she bolted out, but not before she pooped in the sink and peed on the rug. It was pretty nasty, and I had to clean it. On a humorous note, I had used the bathroom earlier, and when I went in with Nicholas, the smell was overwhelming and I thought, "Man, did I do that?" I didn't, it was the cat.

We returned to Hanover and went to Boloco for the first time since our return. We love that place, it's a great place to get a quick meal. Went to the library for the first time since our return and it was nice seeing all our friends. We love the Howe, what a great library. We didn't see Amanda and crew, I was sort of expecting it, but we'll connect one of these days. I half expect to see her at some event and have her bust my balls for not calling her. It's been known to happen.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Making Homeschool Connections and a Duet

We made a new homeschool connection, sort of. There's a cool fitness club out here that was well out of the range of what we could afford, and it turns out the owners are homeschoolers, or at least some of the owners. They are opening the club to homeschoolers a couple of days a week, a huge bonus. Not only will we get to swim and play tennis, but we'll get to cavort with other homeschoolers. I spoke with one of the guys there and it turns out he runs all sort of homeschool groups in the Spring. A good vibe, if I may say so. We'll go on Monday, and it'll be interesting to see how it goes, though I don't want to build it up too much.

On another bright note, Audrey was chosen to sing a duet in her choir. I hate to admit it, but I'm so shamelessly stoked about it. In fact, when we first started, MaryAnn mentioned that there might be a solo or duet, and I was secretly hoping that Audrey might get chosen, though I NEVER said anything to either our children or the chorus people. When she was asked, I quietly jumped for joy. It's the little things in life that matter the most.

For the record, Audrey was thrilled at the idea, so it worked out well... so far.

Missing the Mark and Brotherly Issues

Of course I didn't get the things I wanted done, as I listed on my previous post. I just seem to have too many things that I want to do and I end up getting none of them done. Bummer. I did finish my letter to my former sister in law, but I went off a little too hard on my brother and feel it's not something I want to send. I did not get my travel piece done, and my query letter is way off. Time to get on the ball.

I've been in contact with my former sister in law and it's been interesting, to say the least. I have a turbulent relationship with my brother. In a nutshell, I can't stand the guy, but there's a long story to it and I won't go into it now. He recently got divorced, and I've been in touch with his ex, and it was really enlightening to talk to her, even though it was limited. She alluded to my brother being an asshole and I really wanted to talk to her more about it. In fact, I wanted to spill my guts about what a complete prick he's been and continues to be, and wrote about it in a letter. Then I thought more about it and figured that maybe it wasn't appropriate, at least at this point in time.

The fact that she had these feelings about him, however, made the universe once again make sense to me. I know it's petty of me, but I just can't believe it when my brother actually does the right thing, and in the end, he never does.

As for my goals, I still have the weekend. AND, I have to review some books for PS. So much to do, so little time.

Life at home is good, however. We made bagels and bread, and they both turned out well. The bread is a pretty regular thing, we have a decent recipe and we know the drill. Consequently, it comes out pretty well, a nice crusty, chewy on the inside, multi-grain loaf. The bagels were little more challenging, but the kids liked them, and I'm satisfied with the result.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Spinning My Wheels

It seems like I have so many things I want to do that in typical fashion, I accomplish none of them. It's terribly frustrating, but I've been told that if you keep your goals in mind and keep repeating them to yourself, it goes a long way to actually achieving them.

Either that, or you end up just repeating your goals to yourself all day.

So here goes. I have three things I'd like to do in terms of my writing. I want to finish my letter to Dee about my brother. I want to finish my travel story for either Away or Go, and I want to finalize my query letter for my idea. The last one may be asking too much.

Okay, I've said it. Now I just have to keep repeating myself. We'll see how this goes.

One last note, did you ever have a preconceived notion of how you wanted a series of event to unfold and they didn't turn out the way you planned or wanted, and you kick yourself for thinking they would? I hate when that happens, it just happened to me.

Riding the Roller Coaster of Life

Yesterday was definitely one of those days where I hit the highs and lows. Several bright notes, however, and I should be happy for those.

We learned about a great opportunity for Audrey and Nicholas to not only do fun things, but they might get to connect with other homeschool kids. The connection thing is always a big "if," you just never know if kids are going to relate to eachother, but at least they'll have fun in a cool setting. The River Valley Club, of all places, is offering a homeschool sports program. I'm not sure what the circumstances are, but I get a sense the owner is a homeschooler and a former ex-pat who lived in France. How cool is that? I emailed her and mentioned our wish to live in Europe, and she seemed excited about talking about it.

The class is designed for older kids, but I was told that several younger kids came and hung out, and they are considering starting a younger kids class so maybe Nicholas could have his own thing, as well. That would be GOLDEN, because then both of them would be able to play. I was very excited about it all. At the very least, me and Nicholas could play tennis or maybe swim, or even rock climb. We're going on Monday, and it should be fun.

Gary came by yesterday and took back the Explorer, and his son is coming on Friday to get the Caddie, so we'll be without our cars. It was nice having two cars, I have to admit, and the time may be ripe to buy another one since demand has tanked, but we'll see. Life with one car is really a challenge, but we've managed thus far.

HAVE GOT TO GET SNOW TIRES THIS WEEK.

I also got shot down with my idea to get some sort of sponsorship for our travels, but to quote Bob Dylan, when you ain't got nothing, you ain't got nothing to lose. It was a bit of a bummer because I felt like we weren't asking for much, just a shirt or two, but in a way, you have to read between the lines and understand that if they really wanted you, they'd go out of their way to accomodate you, and when they tell you one thing, you have to understand that they just don't want you badly enough. I understand, I have no choice in the matter, and it just means I have to keep plugging away.

Looking at the bright side, I tried, and now I have a template to work with if I want to approach other companies with my idea. I do! I'm guessing we just weren't a perfect fit for Ibex, but c'est la vie, maybe that will change with time.

We've been taking a new approach to homeschooling to placate the state, and it has actually worked out fairly well. Yet another example of serendipity at work. We thought we could skate by, the state came down on us, we were bitter and resentful, but out of the storm came a better result. You have to love that. Sometimes you have to forced into doing what's best, and in the end, being more accountable makes our plan that much clearer in our heads, and forces me to be more engaged as a teacher.

And best of all, it can be fun! Not just learning basic academics, which Audrey loves, but a little variety goes a long way, and it fulfills our requirements. Documentation and proof, the two things we need.

Also, Nicholas has been on fire. His approach to learning has jumped way ahead, perhaps a by product of travel? Who's to say, but I will say this, he's much more amenable to doing academics, and it's not a battle anymore. At least for now.

One last note, I went to the store last night and man are prices going up. I'm trying to shop at Stern's more, I love that place, but even without that large chunk of our shopping bill, our groceries are outrageous. I sure hope some of my writing gigs come through, I really need to make some more money.

I will say this, I am done buying bagels. I love them, but they are so expensive now, almost a dollar a pop. Flour in particular seems to keep going up. Dark times are ahead, what are we going to do? Simple, make them ourselves. What did you think?

Until the next time, thanks for reading.