The State, Anger Management Revisited, and Family

I just learned from the state that I will have to enroll one of our kids into the homeschooling program. My understanding is that by the time they're six, they need to be enrolled, so even they turn six after the beginning of the school year, that does not exempt them. Good to know. Just wanted to give a quick nod to the people at the homeschool office in Montpelier, they have the enormous task of sifting through all the homeschool paperwork and answering to militant moms and dads all over the state, and in my opinion, they do a great job, even if as adults we don't like having our hands held. The reality is, some of us (myself included), need it.

So, one more curriculum to develop, but such is life.

I was talking to my wife about the whole anger management thing, and we came upon a common theme with something she's interested in-Eastern philosophy. Now I know this is a stretch, but I've fond what helps me keep my cool and not get so worked up over small, trivial things being aware of everything I'm doing, and in a strange and corny way, every moment that I encounter. Now I know this sounds crazy, because you can't be aware of your every waking moment (or can you?), but I have found (I know I've said this before) that anger surprises me.

It boils up from unexpected events, and they are usually not worth the angst. I've found that by keeping your mind clear and sharp, being in the moment, if you will, that I can actually walk myself through a dilemma, and not totally lose it. It does make life more pleasant, for me and everyone around me.

I even came up with a name for it-Hyper-Conscious Awareness. It's all too easy to shut your brain down and run on auto pilot, and it's probably a necessary thing in our busy and crazy lives. But I've found if I just take more time to think things through and be aware of what can happen, I'm less prone to unpleasant surprises, bearing in mind that they are going to happen whether or not I want them to. I am experiencing this firsthand. The usual things that set me off are not. I know this because I can feel that familiar percolation of chagrin when things don't go according to plan, and as every parent knows, nothing ever goes according to plan.

I've got a long way to go on this one, but at least I feel confident that I'm pointed in the right direction. Even my kids tell me that I make an ass of myself much less frequently (not in those words, of course), and that's what it's all about, in the end.

In closing, just wanted to mention that my mom and my brother BOTH have blown off our kid's birthday, for reasons that I won't go into here. Suffice it to say, I'm disappointed but won't dwell on it.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Grease and the Continuing Saga of Anger Management

We went to see the play Grease at the Lebanon Opera House yesterday, and what a great show it was. It was put on by the North Country Community Theater and drew from the local high schools in the area. We took the kids to see it because they love the music and thought they'd enjoy the show, which they did, but more on that later.

What impressed us the most about the show was the level of talent that these kids displayed. They are sophomores, juniors and seniors in high school, and they sang and acted beautifully. I've always thought it took a special talent and wherewithal to dedicate yourself to theater at that age, because not only are you putting yourself out there for scrutiny, but at least when I was in high school, it took guts to be in drama, because it wasn't necessarily cool, especially for a guy. This also points to the fact that you're willing to overcome that barrier because your love of performing, and that's what ultimately inspires and motivates you. Very admirable, in my eyes.

And then there's the talent. These kids sang beautifully, they did a great job, all the while knowing that their friends and family were in the audience watching. I've never been good at dealing with that, and as I've mentioned, respect and admire people who can. It's interesting to consider who will continue with the drama and take it to the next level.

We were thinking that our kids might show some inclination to be in theater. It's just such a nice creative outlet, and our kids embrace drama so effectively in their daily life, something, for the record, that they get mostly from me. They enjoyed the show, but in terms of taking part, seemed a bit ambivalent, which is fine by us. We are just always searching for the golden creative expression outlet. The search continues.

Either way, it was a nice day, though the cold has returned. We went to the show, the kids played a bit in the park in Lebanon, which was frozen solid, and then we did our usual meal at Boloco. Just for the record, Boloco was one of the sponsors of the show. You realize how much volunteerism and donations play a role in putting on a production like what we saw. Everyone worked so hard, not just the actors, but everyone behind the scenes. Kudos to them all.

In the continuing saga of anger management, things have been going well, thus far. Sure, there are moments when I get a little heated, but it's more of a simmer rather than a boil, and I've yet, in the past three days (but who's counting?) to make the kids cry, at least from anger. Crying because I wouldn't let them have ice cream doesn't count.

Dwelling on it more, I've found it's really about being in the moment, not neccessarily anticipating that bad events are around every corner. I'm finding that being aware of everything I'm doing and in a way, having my mind engaged all the time, helps to combat being blindsided by frustration and anger. Furthermore, by being a little more on the ball, I tend to make fewer mistakes (the same ones that set me off) and work a little more diligently at preventing them. This is where the little moments that frustrate me can be avoided. Most of my mistakes are deeply rooted in apathy and ambivalence.

In the end, it seems to boil down to being proactive-not waiting or hoping for something to happen but working diligently towards making it happen and keeping it in mind and focusing on it. Then, when it's realized, it's all the more satisfying, but when it doesn't work out, not only is it in your own hands, but at least your prepared for the letdown and it doesn't sneak up on you and bite you on the behind.

As you can see, I'm still trying to figure this all out, and for now, it's all coming out a mish-mash, but at least it's coming out. For now, I'll take it.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Revelations in Anger Management

Now I'm not one to obsess over things (well, sort of), but I did have some thoughts on my new approach to anger management, and I will say this-I am optimistic about it, because not only did we have a great day with it, but it seems to align with my views on life, as well. Kind of corny, I know, but bear with me.

What I tried yesterday was a little nutty but perhaps the best solution to my problem. I know a lot of people out there are saying, "Just go see a therapist, already." To that I would say, been there, done that. Therapy has it's usefulness, I won't deny that, but first off I would argue that it's not the only solution, and secondly I would say that, at least from what I've seen, it can be a bit self-indulgent if not addictive. That's just my opinion, however.

Besides, therapy costs money, and more importantly, takes time. Two things I don't have a lot of, so in many ways, it's just not an option. And much in the spirit of New England, sometimes you just have to toughen up and deal with your issues yourself.

With this in mind, I've found an interesting approach to anger management, and though it's only been one day, I felt good about it all. It works something like this. Anger seems to blind side me, I don't see it coming because life is all about unpredictable moments. IN FACT, now that I think about it, it's when things don't go according to plan that I lose it the most, especially for these stupid, trivial things that seem to upset me.

And as any parent will attest to, parenthood is completely unpredictable. There are so many moments when thing don't go according to plan, it's no wonder parents lose it all the time. Granted, there are some parents who are calm and collected in the face of chaos, and I have no idea how they pull it off.

So my approach is to keep anger in my mind all the time. Whenever possible, be aware that something is just around the corner that will tick me off, so that when it comes, I'll at least be somewhat aware of it and better able to soften it. The way it has usually worked is that some event makes me angry and I try to calm myself after the fact, but by then it's too late. My genes or my hard-wiring have already kicked in, and the only thing that will calm me down is time. Instead, I try to nip it in the bud before it even has a chance to fester.

I realize how completely insane this all sounds, but for all it's worth, and believe me, it's worth a lot, we had a great day yesterday, with no major flare-ups and no tears. Actually, one of the kids did start to cry because they didn't get a chocolate milk, but it was quickly overcome through reason, which means the tears were really just a ploy.

Anyway, as I've said, I think this is going to work. At the very least, it will keep me in the moment, rather than obsessing over future events that haven't happened yet or may never happen, I'm operating more in the here and now. Such a Zen approach to life, wouldn't you say?

When you really get down to it, a lot of frustration stems from trying to control things too much, especially when it really can't be done. Sure, you can nurture and illusion of controlling things, but let's face it, life is unpredictable; kids are unpredictable; the weather is unpredictable. Rather than try to control it, roll with it and accept it for what it is. In my case, anticipate it, and I'll be better able to deal with it.

I'm not trying to promote this idea that we should anticipate disasters around every corner, but I also don't think it's good to think you can control your universe, which just so happens to tend towards entropy.

And, at the very least, it will make life more enjoyable having less frustration and hopefully anger.

I know a lot of this just sounds like useless banter, because it is, but give me some time. I'm still working on clarifying my theory since it's in its nascent stage, but suffice it to say, so far, so good.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

Finally Skiing the Skiway

We finally made it to the Skiway and had a great day skiing. What an awesome hill, we really enjoyed it, and though we could have skied it all day, we had an appointment after lunch and had to bug out by lunchtime. Nonetheless, we really enjoyed it.

We got the kids new ski helmets and they fit great, so that was another plus, and I don't feel as guilty being a bad parent for outfitting them with helmets that are too big.

On the subject of guilt, I got a bit irked at the kids for spilling soy sauce in the car, and they clearly felt bad and I didn't help by being a grump. More issues with anger management, but I do have a new theory about it and firmly believe, perhaps naively so, that I will defeat this beast, because one spoiler moment can set the tone for the entire day, even if it's been a great day. To quote the Bard, "The evil that men do lives after them, the good oft interred with their bones."

Just for the record, we still had a great day, I'd just like to be more Zen about life, and have a theory how I can do it. But it's all talk until I can actually do it, so I'll keep it to myself and let you know how it goes.

Until then, thanks for reading.

Anger Managment and Catching a Break

I've been thinking a lot about anger and how I really want to have better control of my temper. I'm also a firm believer that if you put a lot of thought into something and set your mind to it, you can change your behavior and how you respond to things. I know this because I've done it, even with things that are like triggers that you wouldn't think I could ever address, and I've always accomplished it the same way-by taking a step back and thinking about it.

Keep in mind, it doesn't happen overnight, and in certain instances, it may never change. But it's always worth a try if you don't like the way things are. In fact, it's your duty.

Yesterday was a rough day. It really put me to the test, and in many ways, I failed. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but sometimes you've got to be in order to exact change. It went something like this.

We've been getting amazing amounts of snow, which would normally please me to no end except for two extenuating circumstances: we were having car problems and our roof was getting dangerously compromised (my opinion only) by the amount of snow. These were both situations that had to be deal with, and of course I didn't want to deal with them. Sometimes you have to be forced into being a real man.

To top it all off, I'd managed to break two pairs of glasses in less than a week, complicating things a bit, and we'd run into car problems, which always make me depressed. In the face of it all, there was daily life to deal with, and even though life throws you a series of curveballs, you can't avoid coming up to bat. That's life, and in the end, how it should be.

Two nights ago when we were in the thick of this massive blizzard, I tried to move our car so that there would be more space to plow and proceeded to get stuck. I wasn't so worried about that, but what got me bummed was that the windshield wipers didn't work. It's not a huge thing, but big enough to make the car undriveable in weather like this. Besides, electrical problems are always a bear to deal with. A little research revealed that our car actually has a circuit breaker on the wipers to prevent motor burnout in times of ice and snow. Fair enough, but it was only supposed to last five minutes and then go back on, and it wasn't going back on. I made an appointment at Bob's.

I tried to resolve the problem by checking the fuses and doing all that fun stuff, but nothing worked. Kurt stopped by to plow and I asked him about the roof. Should I or should I not clear all that snow? He said it could probably hold, roofs are designed to handle a lot of weight, but rain was forecast for Wednesday, and that meant all that snow, all 3 feet of it, was going to turn to ice, and then it might be a problem. I could either take a chance and not deal with it, or deal with it.

I decided to deal with, and it would require that I get up on the roof. Total bummer. But, on the bright note, this was forcing me to confront my fears and be a real man, and that's what life is all about, isn't it? I got out my 28 foot extension ladder, which I might add is a total bear to deal with, and climbed up. I was actually spared from having to stand up on the roof and just stayed put on the ladder, though getting on the roof is in my future, I'm sure of it. I managed to clear the snow by raking it off the side, but it was slow going. I could only do a little bit at a time, and in stages. I would start on one swatch, rake with the short rake to clear a path, then climb down the ladder, get extend the rake, and rake the far reaches, all the while fearing the heights. It was a little brutal, and took me upwards of 6-7 hours. I got nothing else done.

On top of it all, it was cold, and my gloves and hat were frozen solid, but I persevered and cleared about 95% of the stuff. I'm hoping to finish it off today.

As the sun started to set, I also had to fill the wood box because cold temps were coming. Getting wood meant that I was also going to have to shovel a path to the wood, since I'd spent all day on the roof. I was tired, irritable, and cold, so I was not in a good frame of mind. I cleared a path, loaded the wheel barrow, and about halfway to the door, managed to spill all the wood. Once it starts leaning, it's all over, and man was I mad. Furious, and I cussed and threw wood at the ground. Fortunately, the kids were inside playing so they missed my tirade, but I was ashamed of myself, nonetheless. I mean, really, what's the big deal.

I finished what I was doing, resolved to work harder on my anger, and decided that pizza was in our future. They have a great deal at Ramunto's on Mondays, so drove the truck over, got the pie, and were pleasantly surprised to find mom home early.

AND, she said the wipers were now working. How cool is that? Now we don't have to drive it to Bob's in the rain, which was making me anxious and bumming me out. We had pizza, hung out, and now it's today.

Just wanted to mention that the kids were absolutely fabulous yesterday, playing by themselves and entertaining themselves. It makes parenting all that much easier.

I've been trying to write but not finding the time, but overall I feel good. Until the next time, thanks for reading.