Friday, May 22, 2009

The Weight of the World

I don't know if this particular to homeschoolers or just my own personal neurosis, but there are days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders in terms of our kid's happiness. I'm not saying they aren't happy, but I just feel kind of bad when we have these long lulls of playdates, all of course stemming from the fact that we don't have a frigging car. Darn.

We haven't been able to make if over to GS's homestead ranch, and we have had little contact with the Mack's, all because we are holed up over here. Our social calendar would more fruitful if we had another vehicle, plain and simple. This came to the forefront yesterday as I got a little crabby because my wife needed the car in the afternoon, thus throwing a wrench in our initial plan (my plan, I should say) of going over to G&T's. I find I can't let the kids know of the plans too early because things always change and I don't want to get their hopes up. R ended up staying at home (it was nice all hanging out) but in the end, we'd had a great playdate with C&H and spent hours over there, so we were pretty tired by that point, and I decided to instead make bread (raisin and boules) as well as dinner, so I was tied up, anyway.

Doesn't change the fact that we need a car. I'm done kidding myself that we can survive with one car, even a junker will do, we just need to be mobile. My mentor has been kind enough to let us use his, and we love him for that, but that's not really a long term solution. So, we are once again faced with this dilemma, do I have the right to want to spend a huge chunk of money even though I'm not making it? Hard to say. It makes me reluctant to make a stink, but it's something we need to revisit. If I started making some bread writing, however... Can't think to much about pie in the sky stuff.

CB has been out of the picture for some time now, and even though I wonder what exactly is going one, of course I have my theories. Part of me thinks she's just moved on and our kids are no longer a part of the equation. The reality is, we operate in different circles, and as much as the kids have fun, they are different from eachother. I'm wondering if CB just feels that she no longer meshes with our kids. There was always a bit of chasm going on there, though they played a lot and seemed to have fun. The differences were nonetheless apparent. Now I'm fully aware of the fact that I read too much into things and that could be what's going on here, but it's hard not to. Maybe it's for the best, even though it sets up awkward interactions when we run into them, and we will most definitely be running into them. Stay tuned for more.

We had a great playdate yesterday with C&H, definitely on the same page with those guys, and I wish we could spend more time together. All four of our kids seem to click. It's nice to see. They can all be themselves, and I can relax and not worry about it. It ain't easy.

In my neurosis and guilt, I am feeling that every week there needs to fun and enriching activities, at least with other kids so bonds can be made and friendships established. Consequently, I get a bit frenzied, and I need to take a step back. Dare I say I take on a bit of an air of desperation? I just want our kids to have regular friends that they can count to play with, not unlike I grew up with in our neighborhood. With no neighborhoods to speak of, we have to improvise, but that takes a lot of footwork on the part of us parents, not to mention exercises in neurosis.

I can't think too much about it, it bums me out. I'm not sure what's going on out there, but hopefully with proper planning and some cooperation, we can manage to make things work out a little more smoothly. The weather is really getting to be like summer, so that's a plus. Need to find a place to hang with lots of cool, like minded kids. Wishful thinkg? Sure, why not, that's what makes life interesting.

Until the next time, thanks for reading.

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