Guerilla Over-Parenting

I was wondering if it’s possible to be an overbearing parent while not seeming to be overbearing, sort of like stealth over-parenting. I can’t help being a presence in our kid’s lives, but there are times when I definitely get in the way, and I can appreciate that. I was kid at one time, too, and at some point in my life I sure as heck didn’t want my parents around. Kids need to have their space.

I don’t think A&N are at the point, not yet, at least, but they aren’t going to admit it, and again, I understand the importance of kids feeling a sense of independence and detachment from us. If anything, it’s an important part of growing up. It’s hard to keep this in perspective but when I was a kid, my parents were nowhere to be found. They didn’t provide much in the way of guidance, but they supported and provided for us. Otherwise, they were not very involved and provided little in the way of inspiration. It was kind of like a business arrangement, they held up their end of the agreement, and I was supposed to hold up mine.

Parents today have gone to the other extreme and are so involved that they can do their kids a disservice. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with life on your own. It has to happen at some point, and the more you prolong it, the harder it is to become an independent individual, i.e., an adult. I know, my parents held my hand for as long as they could, and would have done so until I was married with children. That was part of the plan, control things for as long as you can, and then use it as extortion. I was never encouraged to be independent or thoughtful of my life, and I bought into it all. It was simpler that way. As a consequence, I took the easy way out of things and avoided all challenges.

When the time came for me to finally set out on my own, I was completely clueless, and the learning curve was steep and painful. I basically went through adolescence as an adult. You’re much better off learning the hard lessons in life when you’re young and have a safety net to back you. As much as I want to be overbearing, I realize I’m not helping our kids in the long term. The goal is to find a happy medium somewhere in there.

I think the key is to provide support and encouragement, but leave it at that. There’s no getting around being involved in our kid’s lives, but they have to figure certain things out themselves, and unfortunately, that means dealing with having their feelings hurt and dealing with mean people. Maybe the most important thing (besides unconditional love and support) that we as parents can do is help our kids maintain perspective, and that comes from having experiences. When you limit yourself to the same routines, your world can become very small, and that’s when you lose perspective.

This crazy analysis stems from a recent experience where I think we’ve lost a little perspective, and could use a healthy dose of life experiences to remind us that there are plenty of other fun things to do with lots of nice people to make friends with. It’s all in an effort to expand our horizons, not in any way to close any doors. That’s not the point, nor is it our job as parents.

Okay, enough of my neurotic pontification, though bear in mind, this is not the end of this analysis, i.e., to be continued.

Until the next time, thanks for reading, and thanks to Erik Jager for the pic.