I feel like crap. Sometimes as a parent you act a certain way that makes you really feel like a big dick. I admit that I'm not the most patient person and can play little guilt trip games with my kids, and it really makes them feel badly. I try my best and work hard at it, but when you spend all day with somebody, the worst parts of you are bound to show up.
I got mad at Audrey yesterday on the heels of a crappy day, and it wasn't her fault and I shouldn't have taken it out on her and I'm a real asshole for doing it. I feel terrible. We went to a special homeschool phys ed day at this posh gym nearby. It was an experience in and of itself, and I won't get too into it now, but it turned out to be a bad day. We had gone into it with certain expectations, and were sorely disappointed, so much so that I ended up making an ass of myself to my kids.
The problem was rooted in the fact that the program was geared towards older kids, but we figured it was a gym, they had a complete facility where Nicholas and I could pass the time while Audrey played with kids her own age, but that wasn't in the stars, and Nicholas and I ended up sitting there twiddling our thumbs, watching. My temper boiled over when Audrey went into the locker and took a shower, a perfectly reasonable thing, but we were waiting and Nicholas was upset and I just lost my patience.
I didn't yell at Audrey, but I let her know I wasn't happy, and sometimes that's even worse. It really affected her, and I feel like shit. If there's a silver lining to this, it's that it really highlights my need to get a grip and stop losing my cool so often. I usually lose my temper for the smallest, most trivial things, and I usually express it by either blowing my stack and playing little games, which is even worse. Our kids are sensitive, too.
Either way, there's no excuse. I love our kids, they are the greatest, and I feel blessed and lucky to have such wonderful children. Being an ass is a sign of taking such a gift for granted, and I don't want to ever be that way.
How do I control my ways? I really need to take a step back and stop stressing about things, because I do tend to lose it all the time. What's the big deal?
I will say this, I have zero desire to return to that club. It really sucked, way too stiff and uptight, but very much in line with the Hanover crowd. Money, money, money. I'll write more about it in another post.
Until the next time, thanks for reading.