Just a quick thought about Old Home Day. We were in parade which excluded us from getting candy thrown at us when you're on the sidelines. N wanted some candy so we went and stood on the sidelines, where we saw a boy who was on his t-ball team. I encouraged him to stand with the group of boys because one was supposedly his friend and also they tend to throw candy at groups of kids rather than just one standing solo. So he went over and tried to say hi to this boy and this boy couldn't have been more cold and mean. He just gave him a dirty look and ignored N. It was heartbreaking, and I couldn't understand where that kind of behavior comes from. To top it off, when they did throw candy, these boys, being bigger and more aggressive, grabbed it all up. N managed to get one piece, but he looked at me in frustration and I personally wanted to go over and say something, but what are you going to do? This kid's parents were standing right next to him, too, and didn't have the wherewithal to encourage their son to share in light of the fact that he had more than enough candy and should share the wealth.
Either way, that image of N looking up at me in angst will haunt me for awhile. Parenthood can be hell sometimes.
I've also decided that I'm like a desperate person looking for a mate when it comes to my kid's friends. I've been bending over backwards trying to get playdates for them, and I can't seem to get anyone to throw me a bone. It can be frustrating because sometimes I don't even get a response, and I realized I'm just trying to hard. Things will happen as they may, I can't force the issue.
With this in mind, I'm going to take a step back (yeah, right) and simply let go. This won't be easy because I feel that for our kids to have a social life will requires legwork on my part, but I do feel that I'm just trying too hard. In fact, there are times I get the impression that I'm asking this huge favor in just getting a playdate. I don't like that and acknowledge that a lot of is my doing, but even still, there is only so much you can take. Again, I feel like a desperate lover waiting and pining for just a moment of the other person's time, only at their convenience.
Clearly this is only a one-way road, and we don't want to go through life feeling like a substitute or an alternate. I'm sure the other side has no concept of what I'm talking about because a lot of this in only in my head.
So on the preceding downer notes, I feel it's time to shift gears and take a different approach. Stop being so darn desperate, it really turns people off, and give things a rest. Besides, I'm tired of scrambling to just to get an appointment, talk to me when you have the time.
All of this is sort of "karma-ish" because last summer I was so cocky because we had so much going on and felt on top of the world, and now things have changed so much. Then again, once you've hit the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. And furthermore, sometimes you have to shake things up and get out of your comfort zone to grow.
I think I'm ready to grow, but we'll see. Things start out with the best of intentions but then end up back in my face. Such is the life of a neurotic dad.
Until the next time, thanks for reading.