Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Full Moon Fever and Revolutionary Road

Last night there was a beautiful full moon and I don't know why I'm mentioning it, but it was just a cool surprise. Kind of made my night, especially since the weather has been ice for the past two days.

The temp has been warm but according to the forecast things are supposed to get cooler and then it appears as if we'll cruise into fall. R was complaining that there was no real summer to speak of. The rains ruined a lot of things, not the least of which was our garden. Our tomatoes and potatoes took a big hit, which is a shame considering that R and the kids did such a wonderful job. It really makes you realize what farmer go through and how much goes into putting food onto your table. You just take less for granted, which is a good thing.

In terms of taking care of business, I got one of my assignments done with a thumbs up, and life is cruising as usual. We had horses yesterday and today we're off to the GK&T show, which always promises to be a good time. Bring some John Madden beef over and do some grilling while GS and I talk about manly issues. His farm is really taking shape.

I still have to deal with the curriculum, and time is running out, but at least it's on my radar. Have to start the gradual process of pooling together this year's portfolio, though I feel emboldened by our decision to answer to the state. Got to get as much done as possible before the big trip, which is another source of anxiety, like all traveling is.

I've been reading this great book, Revolutionary Road, and I'm really into it. I love the main character Frank, and the suburban hell setting that has huge undercurrents of turmoil beneath the beautiful veneer of suburban bliss. The reason I relate to Frank so much is because he reminds me so much of me. Full of unrealized promise while feeling smug and self righteous in the knowledge of that promise, even if it is all just talk and show. I feel like that describes my earlier life to a "t." I could charm and talk the best of them, and win people over to my side, but at the end of the day, what did it all amount to other than a bunch of talk? Who was I trying to kid. The interesting thing about it is that it was rooted in the insecurity of wanting people to respect and admire you for the things you want them to believe you can do yet never do. Is that crazy, or what?

I think the one thing that has saved me from this endless need for approval is becoming a father and letting go of myself. It's incredibly liberating when you turn the focus off you and attend to your children. Sure, it's hard work, and it ain't easy letting go of years of conditioning, but once you do, you realize that life isn't about impressing people (well, within reason) nor is it about winning their approval, it's about finding your thing, whatever it may be, and pouring yourself into it. In the end, that is my family. It's been a long road figuring that out, however, and there have been plenty of bumps and bruises along the way, but that's all part of the process. Without the process, the end result (at least the one we seek) would not exist.

Until the next time, thanks for reading, and thanks to Chris Martin for the pic

No comments: